What to write when I don’t see the point? What to say when I feel you far away? There, somewhere in the lowlands of my waiting, near the peaks of my disappointment. “I suffer for you, my self.”
Often when we enter into a relationship with a loved one we enter prepared and supported by our own experience, the experience of our parents and our environment. We meet, we hug, we touch. Two worlds look at each other. They come closer… Sometimes there is an explosion, stars and comets are born. And sometimes they lose parts of themselves, forever, irrevocably…
How to face and stay whole? How to love without conquering? Love does not need possession, suffering, deprivation. It’s just there… or it’s not.
It is sand that slips away when I try to hold it in my hands, but it merges with my body. Love is the water that slowly seeps its way in. A path that follows the direction of life. It is time that I cannot stop. Love is that feeling we live for, dream for, daydream for, create for. And maybe it is all of these – the tool to connect with ourselves, with life…
We are ready to “sell” parts of ourselves, to “abandon” our needs, to invent countless reasons and conditions for our encounter with HER. We look for her under wood and stone and there is simply no time to feel and see her. She must be complex, exclusive and brilliant. She must be perfect….
And what happens when I love you but then you hurt me? The brain turns on frantically. Is that love? What is love? And just like that we turn it off, we put it in the corner, punished. We try to invent it. I need to know, to have a definition so I don’t miss it. And I stop feeling or I forget to listen. Naturally love stays on hold, I just turn on another resource of mine -ratio. And ratioto, it definitely knows.
Love is when:
- The other thinks of me more than of himself
- The other wants me to be well
- Right, so that I’m fine
- Always there
- Makes me feel loved
- Neglect yourself and your own needs for me
- Wants to be with me all the time
Wow! That rational sounds pretty distressed, very hurt.
Do I really want someone by my side who thinks of me more than myself? What if I live with the expectation that I am my partner’s responsibility and my happiness is in another person’s hands? Do my expectations of love from my partner allow them to love themselves? Is my partner an instrument of my existence?
We often dress up our need for nurturing to our hurting parts as “love” and try to fill in the blanks from moments when we lacked it. We create a plan to reconstruct the past with our partner as the main executor and “I” as the main overseer. In the course of this reconstruction, however, it often becomes clear that the contractor and the site are in different countries. The supervisor (me) travels frequently and does not spend enough time communicating with either the contractor (our partner) or the site (our past) and fatigue and frustration set in. And the love? It’s out there somewhere on hold.
We want to bring into the system from the outside something that is missing from the inside. Love is the free exchange, the movement of our energy. Unfortunately, no one can “give” it to me willingly if I don’t have it grown within me – waiting and ready to be exchanged.
The big step in the relationship is the “I-Love” relationship. Then we can build the “I – Love – You” relationship. It feels different from “I – Hurt Parts – You”. Through love we connect with gratitude and the ability to give ourselves the things we didn’t get “back there” and it is a healing moment releasing so much bitterness.
Our lives as human beings are so difficult without love! We are ready to do anything for it… Just a little to have that priceless feeling – to be loved.
And love? Love is just love – just enough. No need for introduction and complication – it happens. Love is not about the buying and selling relationship of primary attraction. I can love you as a human being and that is enough. No sex, no gender, no prejudice. And that’s valid, it’s just not subject to our reason. She lives her life meekly, just like that – without much thought. Our thinking is looking for explanations, reasons. Love doesn’t need those. Love knows when enough is enough. It simply brings the wisdom of touch, closeness, connection, or in other words the wisdom of life.