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Why don’t I feel good anywhere?

“Just get to the sand and everything will be fine.” “Pass this exam and I’ll calm down.” “Just to overcome this obstacle and everything will be fine. I will be at peace and lead the life I want.” It all sounds great – I endure a little, I cope and then – flowers and roses. I regain my calm and all worries disappear and normalize. It sounds adaptable and quite natural. But what if the obstacles and events string one after another? What if in between I fail to find my island of calm, or my pause of “normality” in sensation?


Anxiety is a state associated with the feeling of internal tension and a mode in a state of “combat readiness”. My body has “strapped on” its armor and awaits the confirmation of war. One of my feet is on the doorstep of my “father’s house”, the other one is heading towards the unknown, towards the battlefield, where I don’t know what awaits me…

The question that arises in me is whether I have been on the battlefield so often that I find it difficult to stay “home”?

Often the anxiety is connected to my past experiences, to everything I have been through and carry with me. It is an emotion associated with the feeling of nervousness, potential danger, fear, “something bad”. Anxiety is a “dress rehearsal” or preparing my body for action, for coping or for the “fight or flight” mode. The moment I experience anxiety, hormones start to “pour” into my body. Metabolic processes are triggered to help me deal with the danger.

The human body is a perfect organism designed to survive and cope, and anxiety is part of the tools.

The experience of anxiety

But what happens if something in the perception of this perfect organism changes? If I can’t “handle” the feeling of anxiety? If I wake up at night with palpitations and a feeling of panic? Am I experiencing the present moment, or have I drifted into a “future immanent process” born of my past experience? Experiences related to hardships in which I failed to find appropriate support for myself?

If I know bad things are happening, how can I be calm? This feeling of “coping” or percolating through difficulty after difficulty and letting go of the peace and joy of waiting, what is it doing to me?

I begin to lose touch with my surroundings, with the present moment, with the laughter of my children, with the rainbow, with the last leaf left on the tree branch. And the loneliness remains… The loneliness of my existence in a world where danger is everywhere and support is unavailable. In this world, the leaf is a warning of a coming winter in which I will be permanently ill. Laughter is a warning of a rambunctious game that turns into an accident. The rainbow is a consequence of irreversible pollution and human activity. A sad and lonely place where I feel misunderstood and lacking for myself and others.

Here and now

But if I am here with others a little more often and try to find you/him/hers when I go “there” – in my fears. If I can say “I’m scared”, “Help me”, “My fear is a part of me and I accept it, there is a reason for it”, “My fear has brought me through unscathed to this moment”, “Just because I feel anxiety doesn’t make me a ‘broken’ person”.

If I know that I can see the leaf through the eyes of love and childlike excitement, then I am walking a path where I can trust life and be in the present.

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